take a pen to me, please

"i love the girl that owns this arm"

was written
on someone's arm.
my sister's arm.

and i thought it was so sweet.
and then my eyes welled
and i said aloud,
"it would be the weirdest thing to see that on my own arm"
because no one feels that way about me.

people love me
but not in that way.

they say "i love you"
they hug me.
they kiss me.
they look at me.

people love me enough to go out of their way to help me
people love me enough to hug me when i'm sad
people love me enough to leave me alone when i'm angry
to wish me a happy birthday
to compliment me
to write me letters and notes and texts.
people love me.

i want that kind of love where you want to doodle on someone's arm,
claiming it
while advertising your love for that person.
i want doodles and whispers
and silly jokes about my breasts being mountains while toy cars drive around my stomach.

as i cried alone in my room i realized how important those things are to me.
those, to me, are beautiful expressions of innocent love.
someone feels that way about my sister.
i want to feel that way about someone.
i want someone to feel that way about me.
so bad.
so bad that i had to retreat to my room to cry.

those things seem so silly to some
but they are so deep and meaningful to me.
i want that kind of childlike love so bad.
because it is so pure.
and beautiful.
and i will find it.

wrap yourself around me, cause i ain't the way you found me...

do not proceed without listening to this song.
yann tiersen is a gift from God.
a gift.
to me.
to you.
to the world.
i am crying as we speak because his fingers, his brain, his soul...
they have created beautiful, beautiful things.
please join me in an open prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
We are so very thankful for the gift that Yann Tiersen is to the world. His music has blessed our lives, my life. He has done excellently at sharing and developing his talents and he truly is a gift. Thank you so much for Yann Tiersen.
How great Thou art.
We say these things in the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.

i pray often and thank the Lord for music but i pray the most for the beauty of Yann Tiersen. i don't know what his music does to my soul... but it connects it to everything somehow and i just feel... held.

here is the song.
play it in the background
in a new window
please.

the most beautiful thing about music is it offers you the chance to be still.
to be still and reflect.
you can just sit
quietly
listening
closing your eyes
breathing deeply
and looking inside of you.

my favorite things.

my favorite songs make me feel like the wind is blowing while i'm indoors.
my favorite songs make me want to move and sit still at the same time.
make me want my eyes open and closed at the same time.

i wonder why music makes me feel sad or happy or angry
or why it reminds me of things
like childhood summers
or vacations to faraway places.
why it makes me feel.

it doesn't.
those things are inside me already.

i connect with music with my soul.
i open myself,
cut myself down the middle,
and let music come at me like a thousand knives.
it is painfully beautiful.
music pierces me like needles and fills me
as i take a deep breath of something that i hadn't breathed for a long time.
music swarms my body,
runs through my veins,
wraps itself around me,
holds me,
whispers to me things that i had forgotten
but things that i knew were still there.

music slithers through my bones
around my ribcage
through my muscles
and finds things i had lost
and carries them back to me.

it gently lays them to rest as it continues to sing to me
and tell me of the other treasures it has recovered from other souls,
souls that are not mine.
it twists around me as i breathe it in and begin to cry.
music then flattens itself like a blanket and wraps itself around me and comforts me.

i continue to breathe
and music breathes with me.
and sings.
my breathing turns into humming.
and music moves into my mouth with me
as i begin to sing
and we become one voice.

music fills my lungs,
fills my heart,
and surrounds me.

i feel it nearing an end
and i know it will leave me
but music whispers to me,
and we breathe together,
and music returns my memories to their proper places
and we share one last breath.
as i breathe music out
my soul is alone again.

music always leaves traces of itself on my soul.
i can remember when it has visited.
i can remember what it brought when it last came.
i can remember what i felt when it twisted itself around my soul.

so i say a silent prayer thanking music
and i ask music to visit me once more.



.....and i'll never be the same.

this is their story

we are a story.
we had a beginning
and we will have an end.
{but let's not talk about that for now}


this story could be great.


it could be filled with castles and dragons,
with princes and horses and magic,
with holy beings and lovely things.
it could be filled with dark witches or plots to destroy the world,
with curses or with wicked stepmothers.


it could be filled with love and hatred,
with richness or poorness,
sickness or health,
death or birth.


we are a story
and as the pages turn we learn what befalls us.


some stories are told once and never again.
they are too weak.
too soft.
they had it too easy.


some stories are told several times and then fall through the cracks.
their story was sweet.
nice.
good-hearted,
yet had no meat to carry it through the generations.


every good story must endure something terrible,
must have passionate heroes,
must have love.
so ours must be a good story.


i keep flipping the pages waiting for the next chapter,
waiting to see what's going to happen to us...
just waiting...


and enduring...


and the pages keep turning.


and my fingers are tired of papercuts. 


but our story will be great. 
because every great story must endure something terrible.
so ours will be one for the ages. 
so i will endure.
or try...


...but i'm ready for lovely things and castles and happily ever after.
so evil dragon, please leave us alone.
go back to the wicked witch who sent you.
i want to return to home to my castle gardens
and start the next chapter. 


here's to courage.
here's to endurance.
here's to perseverance and strength and might
and everything that is going to carry us through to the end.


here's to power.
here's to God.
here's to beauty.


and...

here's to you, Love.

you are my story.

{photo via beautyineverything}

say crack again. "crack"

i realized what i want to do with my life.

i want to crack eggs.

it took me forever to learn how to crack an egg the right way.
i always messed it up.
you have to get it at the right angle
and you have to tap it {but not too hard}
just so...
and if you do it right you will get everything that was hiding underneath the shell.

the funny thing i learned about eggs is that you can't use the same method to crack all eggs.
they're all different.
one may need more pressure.
one may need less.
one may fall apart completely and you're left with shell mixed in.
one may not want to crack at first but then you finally get it.

the funny thing i learned about eggs is that you can use different methods to crack different eggs but the result is always the same.
they are cracked.
and that is what is important.

we discard the shells.
they are given back to the Earth
and the inside becomes part of something more.

it's what is on the inside that we want.

we take these insides and use them for our meringues and salads and cakes and other household needs.
we mix the viscous prize we procured
in with something bigger.

if we didn't crack that egg...
the entire thing would just become part of the Earth
and we don't know what we could have used it for.
wasted in this life.

so i want to crack eggs. 

for my entire life.

oh but replace eggs with people.
i want to crack souls out of their shells
and use them for my various baking needs.

there are some people that are easy to crack.
they can crack themselves.
or
they need a little help reaching the right spot to crack
but they can do it
no problem.

some people are not blessed to have the communicative abilities that i have.
some people are not blessed to have a body that makes it easy to access what is on the inside.
some people need help to find the right pressure, the right angle, the right circumstances...

i look at Noelle's life.
she had so much going on inside of her.
so much she probably wanted to say and do and express
but she didn't know how to get it out.
neither did a lot of the people around her.
i know how that feels {to an extent}...
to feel like you're inside of a shell
and you don't know how to get out so you can be a part of something bigger.

there are millions of people like this.
everywhere.

i want to crack eggs.

{photo via my camera}

don't stop to let it pass you by, you gotta look yourself in the eye and...

...well...
i asked adam,
"what are three things you wish you could change about me?"
without hesitation he responded,
"first thing: the way you view yourself".


i don't think i'm pretty.
i don't think i'm smart.
i'm not creative,
generous,
righteous,
or worthy of much.
adam hates that.
i should hate it too.


 {cue one of ayley's favorite songs as background music. open this in a new window}


i started thinking today...
"ayley.
you have much that you can credit yourself just by design."
i recalled a talk by President Monson i had read a few days earlier.
you are a woman, ayley,
and women are remarkable beings.
President Hinckley also had a few words to say about that:

“Woman is God’s supreme creation. Only after the earth had been formed, after the day had been separated from the night, after the waters had been divided from the land, after vegetation and animal life had been created, and after man had been placed on the earth, was woman created; and only then was the work pronounced complete and good.

“Of all the creations of the Almighty, there is none more beautiful, none more inspiring than a lovely daughter of God who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so, who honors and respects her body as a thing sacred and divine, who cultivates her mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of her understanding, who nurtures her spirit with everlasting truth” (Ensign, Sept. 1988, 11)

that's you.

you owe it to God to honor his creation. 

right? right.
“Men, take care not to make women weep, for God counts their tears” (President Thomas S. Monson, Ensign, Nov. 1990, 47).

“God will hold us accountable if we neglect His daughters” (Ensign, Sept. 1988, 11).

ayley.

that's you.
except the "men" part.

don't make yourself cry. don't think less of yourself. don't neglect yourself.

also...

don't settle for anyone who will treat you with less than you deserve.

{but i feel like i don't deserve anything}

i recall a quote i heard once at a fireside:

"Young men that treat women with respect and admiration have no regrets–only rewards."

that's hard to expect respect and admiration when i can't even treat myself that way.

i always want to compare myself to others.

everyone else is so gorgeous and smart and creative.

moreso than i. 

man this entry is just quote central today.

here's another:
“For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.”

- 2 Corinthians 10:12

man oh man.

we naturally want to compare.

it's how we decide our favorite colors, who to marry, what to eat for breakfast, etc.

comparing all our choices and picking the best one.

that's how we do things on Earth.

God does not compare like that.

God will only compare us to ourselves.

ayley,

you should only be comparing yourself to yourself.

be the best YOU can be.

have confidence.

you are a woman.

you are a child of God.

everyone fails. everyone feels ugly. everyone has down moments. 

God isn't going to compare me to anyone but me,

so why should i?

why should i focus on anyone else doing that to me either?

i want to uphold and reach the full measure of my creation.

big task,

but the first step is embracing it. 

i'm tired of hearing adam say that i have a poor view of myself.

gary go, i love you:

"we are all miracles wrapped up in chemicals. we are incredible. don't take it for granted. we are all miracles." {maybe go and watch that video because it is lovely}

i gotta look myself in the eye and say,

"i am wonderful".

hard.

i'm scared to make that first look at myself.

scared that i will back out of it when i see something i don't like.

frustrating.

hard. 

ayley...

yes it's HARD

but not impossible.

so do it already.

no regrets, only rewards... right?

right. 

{photo via papertissue}

love is so beautiful

You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back. 
 ~William D. Tammeus
{photo via beautyineverything}

dear mothers everywhere

i have a deep respect for you.

you have made incredible sacrifices,

physical, spiritual, and emotional,

to bring children into the world

who will then grow up to be people...

and there are over 6 billion of those.

crazy.

{i think motherhood is one of the most beautiful things in this world so get ready for lots of beautiful photographic documentations of that}

you have been blessed with an incredible power.
God has entrusted women with the responsibility of bringing souls into the world,
bringing his children to this Earth through you.
He has chosen you to be the carrier of His children for 9 months
and has blessed you with the power to care for them and raise them to live and flourish on this Earth.
this is such a sacred task.
i am so grateful to you, mothers.

many of you have died in an attempt to complete this task.
you have suffered great pain in bringing children to this world.
many of you have had irreparable harm done to your bodies.
many of you have not fully recovered from childbirth,
but you are all so beautiful.
every stretch mark and every "imperfection" that has befallen you once you become a mother is a sign of strength and beauty.
it is a sign of your sacrifice.
a sign that you offered your body to another human being and to God so that you might become a mother and bring a soul into this world.

so beautiful.

motherhood is a sacred mission.
it may not always seem that way.
i know i have been less than kind to my mother.
i have taken her for granted and i have been harsh.
at times i forgot how special and important she is in God's eyes.
at times your children might have made the same mistakes
and i am deeply sorry.
please forgive us.

mothers, you are so special and important to the mission here on Earth.
you have been patient and kind and sweet when things were hard.
you have woken up early countless mornings to send your children off to school.
you have woken up in the middle of the night to ease your baby's crying.

you have fed your infants with your own bodies and watched your body mold into a mother's.
you have cleaned up after your children when they were sick.
you have delivered forgotten homework to your child's school.
you have stayed up late finishing science projects.

you have hugged your children when they were upset,

dried their tears,

kissed their injuries,

told them everything would be alright,

kissed their foreheads,

read them stories,

brushed their hair,

bathed them,

held them,

loved them.

you have played such an important role in this life.

i regret ever having forgotten all the good things my mother has done for me.
mothers, you are amazing.
it doesn't matter how inadequate you feel sometimes
or how many times your child says "i hate you" and doesn't mean it
or how many times you may feel like you have failed...
you are amazing.
God knows how amazing you are.
God loves you.
God knows how special and important you are.

i'm terrified of being a mother
because i know how hard it is.
i know how much i will have to sacrifice
and how much it will hurt.
i know how much pressure there is and how much is expected of me.
i know how important it is.
i am scared i won't be able to do it...
but i am so excited to take on that challenge.
when i am ready i know it will be the most amazing thing in my life
and i can only hope to succeed as well as you have before me.

we can never repay you for the sacrifices you have made.
we are all eternally indebted to our mothers.
we can only honor you
and hope that we can make you feel a fraction of what we felt when you were holding us as children
and combing our hair
and reading us stories
and kissing our foreheads
and loving us
because there is nothing like a mother's love.

we can only express our gratitude
and our love for you, mothers.

so thank you.

cue cheesy quote time:


If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.  ~Lawrence Housman

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts.  A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.  ~Sophia Loren


All women become like their mothers.  That is their tragedy.  No man does.  That's his.  ~Oscar Wilde


{photos acquired via beautyineverything}

would i be out of line if i said i miss you?

today i woke up alone.

today i was having trouble fastening the back of my dress by myself.
i just couldn't seem to reach those buttons.

today my passenger seat was empty,
i only ate half of my banana,
and i only rested on the left side of my bed.

i had necklaces that needed clasping and groceries that needed carrying.
i spoke half as many words.
i drank half a mug of hot cocoa.
i checked my mailbox twice as many times.

yesterday i did not take anyone's hand and hold it.
i didn't kiss anyone good night
nor did i feel warm while i slept.

yesterday i discarded half my pb&j after i was full.
i made a wall of pillows in my bed
and i rolled over to fill the empty space.

yesterday i sat on a chair that was too big for just one person.
i walked home alone.
i laughed at something i thought of in my head and no one was around to ask me why i was smiling.

tomorrow i will sit on a love seat alone,
laugh at my cats alone,
sleep alone,
take a bicycle ride alone,
eat dinner alone,
ride in my car alone.

i will fasten my own necklaces
and eat a whole banana.
i will zip up the back of my dresses alone
and carry my own groceries.
i will watch movies alone.
i will watch the world alone.
i will look in the mirror watch myself be alone.

tomorrow i will wake up alone

and i will look at the empty spaces,
the half eaten bananas,
the other side of the love seat,
the other half of my sandwich,
those parts of me and my world that seem to be halved
and cry.

these parts of me are just dangling there
waiting to be held by you.
i have these empty spaces ready to be filled
they weren't filled yesterday
or today.

so please.


tomorrow.

come and help me fill me bed.
help me with my unfinished bananas and my unzipped dresses...

so that tomorrow
i won't wake up alone.
{photo via papertissue}