dear players of hide & seek

no, not the dakota fanning movie.

no, not the amaaaazing imogen heap song. {but you could listen to it while you read this and i might love you for it...}

the game.

you can even play it with just two people 

and the rules are easy.

one person hides and the other person seeks.

you count to whatever number {no peeking} while the other person hides. 

when you are done counting you shout "ready-or-not here-i-come" and seek your friend.

oh yeah. 

it. is. a. blast.

it's more fun to be the seeker.

it's easier to win.

when you're hiding you obviously don't want to be found,

or sometimes you do. depends.

you usually are anyways.

and it's pretty unexpected.

one thing i always disliked about hide & seek 

was the fact that i never got to decide how long the seeker counted, 

even if i was the one doing the counting.

if i was hiding i'd want it to be longer so i'd have time to run and decide the best hiding spot.

if i was seeking i'd want it to be shorter so i could get around to finding them as quick as possible. {i mean... i had a friend PURPOSELY trying to get lost! i HAD to find them, right? oh man, what a tragedy it would be if i didn't}

never 

would i get to decide the number the seeker counted to.

i wasn't making any decisions here.

just where to look or where to hide.

i guess it added to the unpredictability of the game for me.

i keep trying to find things now.

find my lost keys. find what i want to do with life. find my future husband. 

find confidence. find where i want to live. find friends. find peace. 

find myself in this big world.

there are things that have found me but i didn't have enough time to hide.

and i'm sure there are things that are still trying to find me.

i wish i was the one counting now.

please, little game... give me a break! let me count now.

i'm ready. really i am.

i don't have the patience or time to count to a million before finding you.

i don't want to wait until you're done counting for you to come find me

and i want enough time to hide if i have to.

i mean, come on.

let's leave this game for the kids.

i don't get to make any decisions here.

just where to look or where to hide.

i have tried counting...

but how long do i have to count before the game is over?

{photo courtesy of phantom-kitty}

five things i love today

we need more love a-flowin'.

more positivity.

i'm in the mood to dish.

enjoy, please.

and if you feel compelled please share your love. i'd love it. {but my list today only has room for 5 things, so don't get your hopes up. your contribution won't be considered}

this day, wednesday august twenty sixth, year two thousand and nine,

i love:

(1) the fact that i never wear pants {well, almost}

(2) backpacks filled with fresh school supplies 

 

(3) half life by imogen heap {you could listen to it now, if you want...}

(4) black and white photography

(5) thinking about my future home

{photos courtesy of: paris apt, huber heights church of God, mixonline, digital photography school, and giddygoat }

dear Change...

i love you sometimes.
i love when you affect my hair, my room, my weight {for the better}.
i love when you make things better.

you help the world. make it go round.
you have saved lives.
you have saved marriages.
you have kept people out of jail.
kept people from making the same mistakes overandoverandover.

promises of you have saved relationships
promises of you helped obama win.
promises of you have created hope.

you make water turn to ice. summer turn to fall. boys turn into men. 

i liked you, Change. we had a good thing going.

i like having spare change jingling in my pockets. irrelevant.
i like when you make things (1)prettier (2)brighter (3)easier (4)lovelier (5)better.

Change, please note number five.

i like when you make things better.

i know we cannot avoid you.

i know you cannot control yourself. you just can't help it. 

i would suggest a lesson in self-control.

i can recommend a GREAT therapist who can help you with that, Mr. Change.

please stop coming around when the dust has settled and i can see things clearer.

please stop coming when i can finally breathe easier 

and when i have stopped crying every day 

and when i have just adjusted to your most recent smiting upon me.

listen to me, Change.

please stop walking in when i have attempted to barricade the door.

please stop calling when i have cut the phone line.

please stop appearing in my nightmares when i try to stay awake.

please stop sending me letters when i have nailed the mail slot shut.

please stop coming when i don't want you.

yes i am talking to you, Change. and only you.

i have purposely created this obstacle course for you to go through.

purposely built that brick wall.

purposely took my name out of the phone book.

purposely tried to keep you out 

because i like the way things are.

well, were.

i'm pleading with you, Change.

STOP. you've done enough.

stop taking things away from me. giving me things i don't want. picking me up and moving me somewhere i don't want to be. stealing from me. 

S  T  O  P

i know you feel like you can do whatever you want

but it hurts.

so just try.

please.

stick to rattling around in my piggy bank.

that's the only kind of change i like as of late.

dear music, this is why i love you

you let me take a ride in someone else's life for 4 minutes.

you let people sing words. SING WORDS.

you pull on my heartstrings as you pull on those viola strings.

you make me want to jump on my bed all night.

you make me press 'repeat' on my ipod.

you give me goosebumps.

you make me smile when no one else is around.

you make me arch my back and make me restless in my chair.

you make me want to kiss you.

you make me want to kiss a lover.

you make me want to kiss a girl {katy perry shout out. i'm just kidding, mom}

you make me want to scream.

you make me feel like the only person in the world,

you make it all disappear.

you make everything appear differently.

you make it possible to listen to emotions, let us flow along with someone's sadness and rise into someone's happiness.

you relax, ignite, and evoke.

you make us want to walk to a beat.

you fill me with so much emotion... and i have nowhere to put it

i can't give it back to you

you make drunk people even more hilarious when they sing you.

you make an old man tap his fingers on his cane.

you take me back to places i've been.

you are universal.

you are beautiful.

you mimic a heartbeat.

you mimic life.

you allow me to feel things that are not my own.

you give a new meaning to things.

you make me want to live.

you make me love life.

you make me fall in love with the world.

so dearest music,

i love you.

because you make me want to dance.

time to pull out your scales, let's measure this

it's amazing how

e v e r y t h i n g 

can feel so heavy at some point

which is usually a bad thing.

heavy things require more strength to carry.

{which is why they always ask for big, strong people with muscles, testosterone, and penises to lift things}

never in my life have i wanted something to be heavy.

i love when things put pressure on me.

i love being squeezed with force.

i love when things take up a lot of space. big stuff.

but not when they're heavy.

after all . . . heavy = bad. 

heavy = you can't handle it if you're weak.

people say emotions are heavy. YES they can weigh on you. a great deal.

heavy + emotions = bad. right?

if you have ever done any kind of physical activity you know that the more you train/run/dance/lift, the more you can handle the next time around. 

training. 

therefore, my dear pupils...

if you are able to handle 10 lbs of weight you should be able to attempt 15 lbs. and after you can handle 15, you can move up to 20.

tuh-RAINING.

strength is not discriminating. 

if you can handle 20 lbs, you can handle 20 lbs.

20 lb bag o flour

dead 20 lb dog

20 lb child 

half a 40 lb bag of rice

you get the idea.

once you have that strength you can handle that 20 lbs.

when you gain weight, it's either good or bad.

you could be gaining muscle

or you could be gaining fat.

the number on the scale isn't going to tell you which it is 

{unless it's a body fat scale, but we're not getting into that}

it's about how you feel.

you feel heavier, but which is it?

how do you feel?

your emotional strength is not discriminating.

if you have the strength to handle a certain degree of emotion, you can handle the full spectrum.

20 min of a sad story before breaking down

10 min of name calling before you pull out the big guns

an hour of confident yet unreturned "hello"s around town to strangers before withdrawing

five people more beautiful than you walking past before you get jealous.

you have strength in your heart {hey, it's a muscle too}

my friends,

it has taken so much out of me to survive this past year.

so much strength.

and i feel now that i have the strength to handle a happiness that i have not ever felt before.

i didn't have the strength to feel it before.

i wasn't strong enough.

it took 15 months of sadness

5  months of confusion

3 months of pure anger

several hours a day of self loathing.

it weighed on me like a ton o bricks.

over the last few months i had felt so much lighter.

and now i feel heavier

but which is it? muscle or fat? good or bad?

how do i feel?

the strength i acquired from all that weight has allowed me to feel something incredible.

the weight of happiness.

pure happiness is not light.

it does not make you feel like you're going to float away.

it's a feeling that fills you all the way up to the top.

and weighs you down.

it grounds you.

this happiness is so full and heavy.

and i'm so glad i have the strength to carry it.

because it is mine.

and i am finally strong enough to do it myself.